What to Do After You Shout at Your Child
Updated: 1 day ago
The shoes are still on the floor. You have asked several times. You are late, frustrated and already thinking about everything else that needs doing.
Then you shout at your child and say some unkind words.
A few minutes later, you wish you had responded differently. Perhaps you start criticising yourself: “Why did I do that again?”
You cannot change the sentence you already said. You can take responsibility for it, reconnect with your child and consider what needs to change before the next difficult moment.
1. Make your next response manageable
If you are still speaking sharply, start by reducing the immediate demands of the interaction.
You might stop repeating the instruction, put down what you are carrying and give yourself a brief pause while keeping your child safely supervised.
You could say:
“I’m frustrated, and I’m going to slow down.”
You do not need a perfect explanation. The immediate aim is to make room for a more deliberate next response.
When you can speak without adding blame, return to what happened.
2. Repair and reconnect with your child
Keep your words specific and appropriate to your child’s age:
“I shouted. That wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”
You can explain your emotion without making your child responsible for how you expressed it:
“I was frustrated about being late. It was my responsibility to handle that without shouting.”
Compare this with: “I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t listen.” The added explanation shifts responsibility back to the child.
A study involving 186 mothers found that greater emotion regulation difficulties were associated with a lower tendency to apologise and less effective written apologies. Adams-Clark et al., 2022
Give your child space to respond. They may want comfort, remain upset or return to playing. Avoid asking them to reassure you or forgive you immediately.
The original boundary can still stand:
“I’m sorry I shouted. We still need to put our shoes on.”
3. Turn reflection into one practical change
Later, ask yourself what was building before you shouted.
Were you repeating several instructions? Trying to leave too little time? Feeling unsupported? Expecting your child to move faster than they could?
Choose one adjustment you can realistically try:
“Tomorrow, I’ll put the shoes by the door and give one instruction at a time.”
Taking responsibility includes working on the pattern, rather than relying on repeated apologies.
You can also notice how you speak to yourself. “I shouted, and I need to work on this” gives you a clearer starting point than “I ruin everything.”
A randomised trial of a brief compassion-focused intervention found reduced parental self-criticism after two weeks, although parenting style did not change at that point. This offers some support for addressing self-criticism alongside practical work. Kirby et al., 2023
Reconnection and practice belong together
An apology does not erase what happened. It can be part of taking responsibility, alongside listening, adjusting your behaviour and seeking support where needed.
For now, choose one situation that repeatedly becomes difficult and one change to practise.
If you would like help understanding your reactions and developing strategies around your family’s needs, explore my online consultations for parents. You can start with a free 20-minute discovery call.
Have an inspiring day ❤️
About the author
Ama Annika Grobecker is an emotion consultant and trainer based in Luxembourg. With over seven years of HR experience and a specialisation developed since 2018, she supports parents, leaders and teams in developing practical emotion regulation and nonverbal communication skills.
Sources
Adams-Clark, A. A., Lee, A. H., Everett, Y., Zarosinski, A., Gamache Martin, C., & Zalewski, M. (2022). Direct and indirect associations among mothers’ invalidating childhood environment, emotion regulation difficulties, and parental apology. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 9, Article 21. DOI: 10.1186/s40479-022-00191-z
Kirby, J. N., Hoang, A., & Ramos, N. (2023). A brief compassion focused therapy intervention can help self-critical parents and their children: A randomised controlled trial. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 96(3), 608–626. DOI: 10.1111/papt.12459
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