Your Child Is Still Upset. Does That Mean Co-Regulation Isn’t Working?
Updated: 1 day ago
You get down beside your child. You soften your voice. You acknowledge their frustration.
And they keep crying.
Perhaps they shout louder or push you away. You wonder: “I’m doing what the advice says. Why isn’t it working?”
Supporting a child through an emotion does not always make that emotion disappear quickly. Co-regulation is an interaction in which your responses can support your child as they gradually develop their own regulation skills. It is not a way to guarantee calm.
What does co-regulation look like?
Your child wants another TV episode. You say the screen is going off, and they become upset.
You can acknowledge the disappointment while keeping the limit:
“You wanted to keep watching. It’s hard to stop. We’re finished for today.”
You might sit nearby, offer comfort or give them some space while remaining available. What helps will depend on your child, their age and the situation.
Research describes several ways family life contributes to children’s emotion regulation, including what children observe, how adults respond to emotions and the wider emotional climate. This is a developing process, influenced by both the child and their environment. Morris et al., 2007
1. Give yourself one manageable job
During an intense moment, you may be trying to stop the crying, explain the rule, teach a lesson and get dinner ready.
Choose one immediate priority instead.
For example: keep everyone safe, maintain the boundary and make your next sentence short.
“I won’t let you hit. I’m moving this away.”
Notice what is happening in you too. If you are becoming louder or rushing your words, that is information you can use to adjust your response. You do not need to feel completely calm before offering support.
2. Offer support without demanding an immediate response
A child may not want a hug or be ready to explain what happened.
Try a simple offer:
“Would you like me beside you, or a little further away?”
Adapt this to their understanding. For a younger child, staying nearby with fewer words may be more useful than offering several choices.
If they continue crying, avoid turning every few seconds into another test: “Are you better now?”
Their response gives you information, but continued distress alone cannot tell you whether your presence is helpful.
3. Leave some learning for later
Once the interaction is more manageable, you can briefly revisit it:
“Stopping was difficult. What could we try together next time?”
A randomized trial involving 216 caregivers of preschool children found improvements following a structured programme addressing parents’ emotional awareness, regulation and emotion coaching. The programme involved multiple sessions. Havighurst et al., 2010
Look beyond how quickly the crying stops
Afterwards, ask yourself:
Did I keep the boundary clear?
What seemed to help or add pressure?
What could I adjust next time?
Co-regulation includes noticing, responding and adapting. Your child’s emotions and your own both deserve attention.
If you would like personalized support with these everyday situations, explore my online consultations for parents and book a free 20-minute discovery call.
Have an inspiring day ❤️
About the author
Ama Annika Grobecker is an emotion consultant and trainer based in Luxembourg. With over seven years of HR experience and a specialization developed since 2018, she supports parents, leaders and teams in developing practical emotion regulation and nonverbal communication skills.
Sources
Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361–388. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x
Havighurst, S. S., Wilson, K. R., Harley, A. E., Prior, M. R., & Kehoe, C. (2010). Tuning in to Kids: Improving emotion socialization practices in parents of preschool children—findings from a community trial. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 51(12), 1342–1350. DOI: 10.1111/j.1469-7610.2010.02303.x
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