Why “Just Stay Calm” Fails at Work - and What to Do Instead
Someone challenges your recommendation during a meeting. You feel your jaw tighten. Your thoughts speed up, and you begin preparing your defence before they have finished speaking.
You tell yourself: “Just stay calm.”
But what does that mean you should actually do next?
Emotion regulation at work becomes more practical when you identify a specific response you can practise. Calm may be welcome, but you can still listen, think and set boundaries while feeling frustrated or uncertain.
Give yourself an action, not only an instruction
“Stay calm” describes a desired state. It offers little guidance about how to navigate the situation.
Research models distinguish between identifying a need to regulate, selecting a strategy and implementing it. These are separate challenges: knowing you want to respond differently does not automatically tell you how. [Gross, 2015]
In my work, I use Emotion CPR - Creation, Processing and Regulation - to organise reflection and practical exercises.
This is my framework for applying research-informed ideas; the studies cited here examine emotion regulation, rather than testing Emotion CPR itself.
Here is one way to use it in an ordinary meeting.
Creation: Notice what is influencing the reaction
Start with the situation and the meaning you are giving it.
Perhaps a colleague says: “I don’t think this proposal is ready.” You hear: “They don’t trust my competence.”
That interpretation might feel convincing. It is still something you can check.
Ask yourself: “What exactly did they say? What am I adding? What else could explain their concern?”
Your deadline, tiredness or previous interactions may also matter. Noticing these influences gives you something specific to explore, rather than treating the entire reaction as a personal failure.
Processing: Identify what needs attention
Try completing this sentence privately:
“I feel ___ because I am concerned about ___.”
For example: “I feel frustrated because I am concerned we will miss the deadline.”
Then identify what needs addressing. Is there a misunderstanding, an unclear decision, an unrealistic workload or a boundary you need to communicate?
Regulating your response does not remove the need to act on a genuine workplace problem.
Regulation: Choose a useful next step
For this meeting, your action might be pausing and relaxing the jaw and shoulders. Then:
“I will ask which part of the proposal needs more work before explaining my position.”
Or:
“I will write down my main point and wait until my colleague finishes.”
If you need a pause, make it concrete: “I’d like a few minutes to review that information. Can we return to this after the break?”
Research on regulatory flexibility emphasises recognising context, having different strategies available and checking whether they help. It does not support one universally effective response. [Bonanno & Burton, 2013]
These examples are starting points to adapt, rather than a tested script for every meeting.
Practise where the stakes are manageable
Choose one action to try in an everyday discussion. Afterwards, ask: “Did it help me listen, clarify the issue or express what mattered?”
The aim is to build a repertoire you can adapt over time. Leaders and HR teams can support this by making space for practice and addressing working conditions that repeatedly create unnecessary pressure.
Explore my 'Emotion Regulation at Work' training, with practical exercises adapted to your organisation, available in English, French, and German.
Have an inspiring day ❣️
About the author
Ama Annika Grobecker is an emotion consultant and trainer based in Luxembourg. With over seven years of HR experience and a specialisation developed since 2018, she supports parents, leaders and teams in developing practical emotion regulation and nonverbal communication skills.
Sources
Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. DOI: 10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781
Bonanno, G. A., & Burton, C. L. (2013). Regulatory flexibility: An individual differences perspective on coping and emotion regulation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(6), 591–612. DOI: 10.1177/1745691613504116
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